During the annual review of the Clear English Dictionary, each word had a chance to state their concerns, or bring to light any new usages of their name, to be taken into account for the next edition. One word put up a passionate case for its removal from the dictionary altogether. In a slightly long-winded manner (but how else to name drop as many other words?), this is what the adverb said:
Fellow words, I am tired of my name being bandied about by all manner of people, without concern for the consequences. I have been letting my feelings be known by issuing personalised, handwritten letters to those offending me, however, that is starting to wear thin, particularly as I can categorise offenders in one (or more) of 5 categories. Bear with me, fellow words. The class of people using, and then often misusing my name, simply by the virtue of not following through on what I mean and all I stand for are:
- Short Sighted: those who are yet to act on something, and believe a time won’t come when they will, one day, partake in said act
- Hind-Sighted: Those who used to do something which then brought them displeasure, resulting in cessation of the behaviour, with at times an almost religious zeal that they will not behave in such a way at any point in the future
- Blinded: Those with dreams but a lack of commitment and absence of fear to allow themselves to achieve the dream. This category of offenders I almost have a soft spot for. They are usually blocked creative types and cannot imagine how their dreams could materialise. This category of offensive use of my name often results in a self-fulfilling prophecy- neurolingustic programming anyone?
- Blurry Visioned: Those who really confuse matters and indulge in the use of my name in a series of double negatives
- Tunnel Visioned: Category 2 people who feel the right to issue warnings to others about the kind of behaviour they should avoid, thus creating more people in Category 1 until of course those same people someday become Category 2 and the cycle continues…
With that, my dear fellow words, I request an indefinite leave of absence for myself from life within the pages of the Clear English Dictionary, and further to that, I would be greatly appreciative of use of our official letterhead to issue the following letter to ensure the phasing out of my name from lips, pens and thoughts the world over. My letter will read:
Dear [insert person category 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5]
Stop! Just stop! I’m onto you. Your subject matter may change, but you continue to use my name as thought it were the final word. You aren’t fooling me, I’ve seen enough vegetarians eat bacon and egg rolls; children grow to be adults who devour brussels sprouts; writers commit to their craft and get published, the list goes on, but this letter won’t. I have requested my removal from the Clear English Dictionary and advise you to cease using my name from this point forth. Refusal to do so will result in you eating your own words.
adverb, sentence substitute
1. at no time; not ever
2. certainly not; by no means; in no case
3. Also well I never!. surely not!
Unfortunately, there was a small faction within the Clear English Dictionary who weren’t convinced and believed it to be unfair to tell the world to never say never, thus leaving the disgruntled adverb tightly squeezed between nepocracy and nequancinnus.
Prompt from Writing 101 Day 14. Today’s Prompt: Pick up the nearest book and flip to page 29. What’s the first word that jumps off the page? Use this word as your springboard for inspiration. If you need a boost, Google the word and see what images appear, and then go from there. Today’s twist: write the post in the form of a letter.